2 steps forward, 1 step back..

There will be several precipitating factors that determine how you’re feeling.   The weather and barometric pressure, the sun and how long you’ve been exposed, how much restful sleep you got, whether or not something and\or someone stressed you {short-term or long-term situations both contribute significantly}, the common cold, and most importantly your mind-set.  Feeling well is not simply based solely on medication.  This expectation will set you up for failure.  There is no wonder drug unfortunately…. or I would be popping it like candy!

This week was a struggle for me, as I’m sure many “spoonies” were feeling the same.   The inconsistent weather, this beautifully warm one day and cold as fuck the next is literally an autoimmune disease sufferer’s nightmare.  Your joints and muscles have no idea how to adjust to the barometric pressure so then they just get pissed off… and fight back.   It’s like Ms. RA and Mr. Lupus engage in an argument that turns physical except you’re the victim they attack.  They beat the living shit out of you, wrestling you down while you’re trying to fight back, but tapping out and giving up seems like the better option. 

This back and forth and up and down is sooo discouraging.    I was on a roll.   The infusions were working; I had little to no inflammation in my joints and no pain, so I started swimming again.  2 steps forward.  Then BAM… caught a cold that turned into a chest infection.    I can’t take my weekly self-injected methotrexate when I am ill.   So I lost a dose of meds which in turn makes me feel like shit.   I can’t swim, let alone function for the entire day…… 1 step back.   These are the days I want to give into the disease, throw in the towel, and just give up the fight.   I’m sure many invisible fighters just want to stop … and do.   They start making poor food choices, no longer exercise and\or socialize.   They barely leave their homes and allow the disease to fully take over.   If I were to give in to this disease, which does seem like the easier choice at times, I wouldn’t be me.   AND this is exactly what I remind myself during the lowest points…

Yes!  It sucks ass that I couldn’t swim today or haven’t swam for days, but I made it to work.   Yeah… I couldn’t wear the dress I wanted because putting on tights or nylon’s cause excruciating pain, but I walked up the stairs.   Absolutely, It fucking blows that I can’t dance and shake my ass all night, but at least I did for one or two songs with one of my BFF’s  on her birthday.  AND at times it’s absolutely devastating that I can’t run, play and chase my daughter around the playground, but I walked with her there, watched and laughed with her.  I even pushed her on the swings for a few moments and  that will be apart of her memory forever. 

Be an optimist; Someone that knows taking one step backward after taking a step forward isn’t a disaster, it’s the Cha-Cha.   

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